I don't read enough...

Grant me, O Lord, to know what I ought to know, to love what I ought to love, to praise what delights you most, to value what is precious in your sight, to hate what is offensive to you. Do not allow me to judge according to the hearing of my ears, but to discern with a true judgment between things visible and spiritual, and above all things, always to inquire what is the good pleasure of your will.

-Thomas A Kempis-

What is God's will for my life? I am reading Hearing with the Heart by Debra K. Farrington. (I strongly suggest this book.) She suggests "One of the surest signs of discerning poorly is being absolutely, positively certain that we know God's will." (p 24) Well then, I suppose I'm discerning wisely by NOT knowing then, right??

Discernment is not an easy process, but it is also not something that just comes and goes through life. We are constantly thinking, processing, making decisions. Small ones, like what to wear today? Big ones, like what vocation would use my skills to help others most? I make 50+ decisions a day at work. Knowing what to do, where to go, who to surround yourself with...well honestly, it can bog a person down.

I have all these books on my shelf, but I don't read them. They just sit there. I'm on my computer practically all day at work and then I come home and browse the internet while I'm on the couch. I'm making an early- New Year's Resolution. To start reading more. Novels, fiction, non-fiction, books that will make me laugh, cry, think. Autobiographies, mystery, dramatic, feel good, educational. I also need to read more of the Good Book.

Kathleen Kelly (played by Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail) writes to her online friend:

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

I do feel like I lead a small life... certainly worthwhile and meaningful, but yet small in comparison to some and the things they have done. I know I am young, but I feel there is so much I want to do right now. Part of me wants to settle down, go back to school, do what I should in the Social Work field, be responsible. But the other part of me, wants to explore, travel the world, eat what I want, be adventurous. Part of me wants that fantasy version of myself, as seen through movies and T.V. Part of me wants this and that and everything in between. Part of me...

There are some ramblings for you. I am long overdue on a posting. I apologize. I have hopes to keep updates coming.

Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly. -Elizabeth Gilbert-

In Virginia

My Work

I haven’t been outside all day today and there are no windows so I don’t know what the weather is even like. The florescent overhead light has been on all day and makes it feel like there is some light, but I hate the contrast and feel. I pretty much read through the whole manual throughout this morning and early afternoon and then sat in on a VEMAT meeting. VEMAT (Virginia Enhanced Maintenance Assessment Tool) is an annual check-list that gets reviewed for a child, looking at emotional, behavioral, and physical/personal care needs. Depending on how the child scores, additional monthly money is allotted to foster families. The higher the score, the more money. This is a new enhanced system and honestly I don’t see how it’s possible to grant more money to families. Where the money comes from when cuts are being made in other places, I don’t know. So I am becoming oriented on this assessment tool because it’s new since I last worked here. Tomorrow I go to court for two of my clients. Basically my case load will be 3 sibling groups in 3 different foster families. I am “trainee” status since I didn’t have the needed one-year experience, prior to working here. But I’m fine with that because it means a smaller caseload for the first year.

I am a little intimidated because the lady that I share an office with started in February of this year, but is older and experienced. And then sitting in with families and other caseworkers…I just feel young and innocent. Plus it doesn’t help that I look young and innocent. But as I’ve always thought before, life is what you make it and how you come into a situation. A positive attitude is everything and I HAVE done this work before. But now it’s serious and I am a real case worker here. This is my first real job in more of a Social Work role and needless to say, I’m a little scared. But I know that all things come with time. Everyone at one point in life, starting working and was young and naïve. So here I am world!

My Life

This weekend Josh, Hanna (Amarisa), and I are traveling up to Ohio for my dad’s farewell weekend as part of his resignation from Wooster Mennonite. It’ll be nice to see the church family one last time and reminisce about the last 14 years in Ohio. To some extent it’s sad and sometimes I don’t like changes like this and closing doors of my childhood. But at the same time, I know it’s right for my mom and dad and a good step towards whatever is next in life for them and our family.

My Apartment

Too put it simply…it’s tiny.

Stats:

-Exactly 21 steps from bedroom to kitchen

-3 windows (but 2 of which aren’t worth calling windows)

-Small fridge and stove (the cookie sheets I had purchased don’t even fit in the oven! Haha)

-Lots of wood paneling and built-in storage (almost too much, but this is a good problem)

-Best way to define: Kinda feels like a trailer, just straight back and small

But it’s sufficient for me and I’m waiting for more decorative pieces and furniture to arrive. I’m excited to have a place to myself for once, but also hoping that I don’t get too lonely. It seems that food is more enjoyable when shared with others and that time goes a little faster with internet and T.V. and people J But with a busy schedule at work and plenty of wonderful friends and family around, I think it will quickly turn into a sanctuary for myself to get away and find my peace of mind.

My Thoughts

As the familiar verse in the Bible says, and I’m reminded from the wall-hanging above my work desk; Faith Hope Love: The greatest of these is love. I have received a lot of love already since I arrived. I finally met my little niece after a month (Amarisa Joyann) and am already thoroughly enjoying being around her. I know that my faith and loads of hope will also come into play throughout the year. God is good and has provided me with this job and I’m surrounded by wonderful people to work with. To Him be the glory!

Best wishes to all who continue to read this,

Lindsey

Crisp air, long sleeves

The last two days have given me a taste for autumn and I'm getting excited for the new season! I love the idea of wearing light long sleeves, sipping hot apple cider, cuddling up outside to a fire, and the leaves changing glorious different colors.

Last Friday was my last day of work...and it was a great way to end my time with Out and About. We drove to Georgetown and went on a loop train ride. It was a beautiful day and my group was easy to maintain. At the end of the day, saying good-byes to participants was difficult and it's sad knowing that I won't see them again. But this past week I've been thinking about my time at work and ending there, and I feel at peace with having finished there. Yes, I had a wonderful learning experience with Imagine! and I truly loved my placement there....but I feel this transition onward is a good thing. And for those feelings of contentment...I am happy. :)

This week I have been staying at my boyfriend's parent's home....and everyone has been so supportive and hospitable. The move last Saturday was stressful and tiring, but we did it all in one day. And ladies from the church did a lot of the cleaning, so I was freed from that duty. Earlier this week I still had some details to take care of for the old house, but I think I am finally free from my duties at the VS house. I went over to the new house recently and it's a nice house...they still have a lot of unpacking to do. I am happy with the year I gave to service, but also ready to move on.

This week I've been slightly productive...getting some things filled out for my end-of-term as well as filling out papers for my future job placement. Mostly I've been catching up on sleep. Went to a concert Monday night, caught a little flu bug which laid me up all day Tuesday, toured a local brewery, and last night went to a stressful Rockies game vs the Phillies. (We lost 11-12)

Just a few more days here...such an odd feeling. My dad flies in Sunday night and we drive out Monday. I think there will be a lot more to process once I actually leave Colorado. I am filled with mixed emotions, but am also somewhat ready to go and start the new transition.

Not sure what will happen to my blog...might just become a site in the oblivion or I may maintain it.

Thanks to those who faithfully read my blog and kept me in your thoughts and prayers. I couldn't have made it through this year without your loving support.

Should you want to keep in touch, my address in Harrisonburg is:

1538 College Ave. Apt. 1

Harrisonburg, VA 22802

Peace to all,

Lindsey

Moving boxes, cups of coffee, hugs goodbye

The moving and transitional adventures have begun!! Whew...lots of changes are occurring, along with new people.

The two new lady VSers are here. Jasmine has been here a week and half and Naomi just arrived yesterday. She started work today at Imagine! I'm excited for someone to be working with Out and About and gaining the same experience I did. But at the same time, I'm also a little reluctant to have her work in the same placement, selfish reasons alone.

Moving day is this upcoming Saturday....so I've already been packing up the house and my room. My room isn't difficult, it's dealing with all the crap in the house that has been accumulated over the years. Plus the house was left with things from the previous owner. So there is a bunch of junk that will get thrown and donated. Part of me wishes I could pack up my car and scoot out of here. But I have a final duty here and want to make the new VSers feel welcome and comfortable. And things are coming together with the house, it's just a matter of doing instead of just talking!

Friday is my last day of work...my supervisors asked me who I would like to work with my last week...so I'm working with some of my favorites! :) I'm excited! Friday night I am having a farewell party with a couple from church who are also leaving CO to serve a three-year term with MCC. So that should be fun, lots of yummy food, people, and mingling.

I would greatly appreciate prayers as we make this big transition this week and weekend. Specifically, prayers for strength, patience, and endurance.

Onto other news: I'm an aunt!!! Amarisa Joyann was born August 16th at 9:54pm and was a healthy 9lbs 3 oz! Everyone is healthy and happy. My parents went down for an extended weekend visit (which makes me green with envy) but I know soon enough I'll be meeting the little one and playing with her. Praise God for new life and love!!

Ok well I need to do some more packing and organizing...I'll probably post once or twice more before my time in Colorado is over. I'm also debating whether to keep blogging....we'll see..

Peace,

Lindsey

Worrying vs. Relying

Isn't it funny how we tend to worry? Worry about little things, big things, stuff that doesn't matter. And then something happens, something clicks...and you gain perspective once again and realize that all of that worrying was wasted time. And then you also realize how God is in control and always has your back, no matter what. Down to every last detail.

That is where I'm at right now and I am at a place of inner peace and contentment. Because for now, I am not worrying. And how funny that I know I will worry again, even after moments of clarity. Oh how silly we are!

But things have fallen into place for me and I have a place to live AND a job in Harrisonburg!! I let my supervisor from my social work practicum in college know that I would be moving back into town and to let me know of open positions in and around Harrisonburg. Little did I know that around that same time, this agency (Children Services of VA- Treatment Foster Care) was thinking about hiring an additional worker! Oh the timing! I don't have quite all the experience that they're looking for, so I will be considered a trainee and have a smaller case load for the first year, but overall I'm excited. I had a very positive experience doing my practicum in that setting and learned a lot both in the office and out in the community with clients. I'm also excited to be working in such a supportive environment and with really great staff.

God is good. End of story.

I am enjoying August so far...work continues to be busy and is still keeping me on my toes, as I work with new individuals. It's sad to think of leaving my placement and saying good-bye to all the participants and co-workers I have developed relationship with. There are many participants I have grown quite fond of and not seeing their faces on a regular basis, saddens me. I feel like I will leave part of my heart in this place. My blood, sweat, tears- my joy, happiness, and anger/frustration...all have come through at some point in my year here. I have grown in so many ways through this job and learned things that I don't even know of yet. I would say the top things I have learned are: selflessness, patience, flexibility, and human importance. But beyond that, I have learned that when you are your raw self and the essence of humility- that is when you reach people and they see you for who you are and what they want to become when they are around you.

A lady at church shared last Sunday...and her words hit a nerve with me. She was talking about serving people and how before we share with them about spiritual matters and their spirituality; we need to first meet them where they're at and attend to their basic needs. Helping people isn't a matter of sweeping in and patching troubled spots. It's digging deep, meeting them on their level, and seeing them for who they are. This year of service wasn't what I was expecting...but this placement at Out and About has been the utmost blessing in my life and I am truly sad to leave.

I am but one person and can only do so much. But when many in this earthly kingdom serve...big changes can be made and people will notice.

Have a happy, safe weekend friends.
Lindsey

Hot sunshine, Blue skies

It feels like a lot has happened since I last updated with a post.

After my trip to Ohio and my bout with strep throat, I eventually made it back to work and got back into the swing of things. But not before some good friends visited and we did some hiking, drove up Pikes Peak (yes, I should have climbed it), and ate a lot of great food!

Work has been keeping be busy...the first couple of weeks back consisted of a lot of office work (felt like they had forgotten to put me on the schedule) but soon enough I was busy out on shift work again. I continue to enjoy the work I do and find it rewarding in so many ways. As my year-term draws to a close, I think about all the wonderful relationships I have formed with the participants and with co-workers. I will deeply miss the work I do and it will leave a hole in my heart for some time.

Just recently one of our participants lost his mother to a heart attack. I was the last instructor to interact with her, as she dropped off her son on Tuesday morning and then passed away that night. After I had heard of her passing, it left me with chills and deep sadness. In our work meeting this month we touched on how to deal with this personally as well as how to treat and respond to this participant. He came to activities this week and seems to be doing well. He has always had a fixation on talking about the same topics and most of the time they are rather morbid. So we were all a little worried about how he would handle this situation. I wonder what the differences are in how people react and handle death and loss? It certainly would be hard to grapple with if you had a developmental disability. --An EMU alumni recently died in a motorcycle accident--and all of these things remind me of the fragility of life and our time here on earth. We are but a moment. I hope to always remain in-tune with my surroundings and never forget the precious people in my life.

A few weeks ago the basement flooded again...not a good time. Handled a lot of the issues on my own since my landlord doesn't care too much. It was a frustrating time and I had to sleep elsewhere for a few nights. It was especially bad this time, as it also flooded the living room in the basement as well as 3/4 of my room. The smell was pretty unbearable. Fans dried it out eventually and Asher and I also rented a carpet cleaner, sucking up a lot of water. Things are back to normal and put in place for the most part. I am ready to move out and crossing my fingers that it doesn't happen again. Thanks to all who thought and prayed for me during that time. I couldn't have made it through without support and prayers.

I had a wonderful birthday weekend and day....last Saturday shared a birthday BBQ with a friend who shares the same birthday. It was hot day, but a fun- filled time with good food, laughter, sunshine, and good company. On Wednesday, I didn't have to work (miraculously)- so me and some friends went tubing on Boulder creek (pretty wild) and then went out for lunch. Then I went out to eat with Asher to BeniHana...and it was delicious! Also received a spectacular package from my parents, filled with all sorts of goodies! So it was a great day and I felt a lot of love! Thanks for all the well-wishes!!

My time is nearing with about one month left of work. I have mixed emotions and will deeply miss parts of my life here, but yet also look on Harrisonburg and all the warmth and support there. I know my transition back will be rocky. I have an apartment and am excited to be living alone for once in my life. I am know applying for job positions and am praying that something lines up.

Blessings to all,

Lindsey

My trip to Ohio was met with busyness, wedding happiness, family togetherness, and a whirlwind of activity. Flying in I saw: lush green terrain, rolling hills, farms with silos. I breathed a sigh of relief as we landed and felt right at home in the arms of my mother and father.

But the whole time I was in Ohio..I kept thinking how I didn't really feel anything for the place. And then I got to thinking about my friends who were staying around the area or living somewhere in Ohio (...and not that I feel like I need a big adventure in my life; or that Ohio isn't good enough) and it's just not where I want to be living.

The trip wasn't exactly restful and not the typical visit home, as there were tons of people around and things to be done. But it was nice to see friends at the wedding that I hadn't seen for awhile, as well as family. I hope to never take relationships for granted whether they are coming or going.

I arrived back in the great state of Colorado...only to get utterly sick. Sunday and Monday it felt like death was knocking (not literally but with the fatigue, weakness, and loneliness- sorta). Thought I had the flu or something...finally went to the doctor on Wednesday and she thought it was strep throat so now I'm on antibiotics. This is the 3rd time this year (2010) that I've been on antibiotics!! I've never been so sick in all my life! Prayers for continued healing and good health would be appreciated. I have a lot more energy and looking forward to having a normal routine again soon...

That said...the time is dwindling down. (That is strange to write). I have mixed emotions...bittersweet, like the end of college was for me as well. Being alone and sick this week though, I discovered that I have in fact made a good decision in moving back east. There aren't good friends for me here and nothing meaningful to keep me around. I know things will be different when I move back, but I welcome having some family and good friends around. At the same time, I have developed good relationships with people/families at church that I will truly miss. As well as just liking the idea of being in place where I can be whoever I want and starting something for myself.

The garden grows!!! I was so excited to come home and find that my plants had doubled in size and seem to be doing fairly well. Hopefully there is produce before I leave!!

Well that is all for now...hope that all are doing well.

Prayer for Guidance (Rev. Julie Mustonen)

Oh God of Light and Love

the journey begins with a few small steps.

May your spirit light my path

and open my heart

as I seek to follow you.

May I come to a fuller knowledge

of who I am as your child.

so that I may serve you in the best way.

May you help me move ahead

with courage and joy,

savoring the stages as I pass through them,

looking for signs of your presence and guidance.

Throughout this journey into faithfulness,

may I be ever mindful and encouraged by

the life and work of Jesus Christ,

who walks beside me, friend and redeemer. Amen.